I posted this on my Myspace page on January 4, 2009. I think it's no coincidence that I've found it again on December 31, 2009! :) This is what the Lord began, and has completed in me during this past year. Praise God! :)
January 4, 2009 - Sunday
Free At Last, Free At Last, Thank God Almighty!
I cannot begin to explain the transformation my heart has been enraptured in these past few months. There have been so many burdens, wounds, scars, memories healed and removed from me. God is amazing. At some point in my early childhood something very bad happened to me.
The full memory has been taken from me, by God's grace, because to remember every detail would take too much a toll on my psyche and spirit, and undo all the healing that has taken place. I remember snip-its, remembering and knowing things that no four year old should know, and being "aware" of sexual things as far back as I can remember.
But you may say, "If you fully remember then maybe you can have justice." And that is fully something I had tried to embrace, to understand, who, and why, and what I had done to bring such abuse upon myself. Well God has healed every wound inflicted on me by that person, and in conjunction with that every wound that I had inflicted on myself through self-hate, loathing, and utter abhorance of everything that I was.
I could feel God's great big loving heart for others, but not for me. How could he love something so foul and broken, so disgusting. I was such a little whore, or at least that's the twisted perception that had been burned into my very core. I always felt dirty, used, abused, and tossed to the side.
I moved from one user to the next, always letting guys have their way with me, abuse me, treat me like a piece of meat, (although God protected my virginity for my husband, and I'm thankful for that). I longed to be loved, to be treated like a princess. And that is what God has done for me. He gave me my Paul, who loves me and has stuck this long grieving process out. Who, although at times he could never fully understand, the depth of my agonizing pain, he saw a flicker of who I am meant to be underneath all the scar tissue that my life had become.
I say all of this to say, over the past few months God has healed every wound from this sexual abuse that happened so many years ago. I no longer blame myself for what happened. I love myself unconditionally, and I embrace my flaws with my strengths. I have more joy now than I ever did, because now it is not tainted with the self-hate and self-abuse that lasted for twenty years.
God is amazing, I was at Onething Prayer Center just the other day. I was burdened and weighed down by a sense of not being able to fully let go of my anger toward this person. And suddenly God allowed me to feel His pain and anger toward this person, although there is still grace for this person, his dicrepid acts were not forgotten, that I had not been merely looked over, that God's justice was perfect and that I could finally give that up. And from that time I have felt so much peace.
And then tonight, God gives a wonderful man of God a dream of me, in full color, spinning and dancing in a beautiful blue dress, and so full of freedom, and the funny this is that's the same imagery God gives when I feel the closest to Him, and that is a sign to me that I am finaly, truely, etirely, and completely set free and this will no longer harm me or my future children. And that is something I could never, ever repay my Father God for!
I know that this is a lot of jumbled emotions, and I hope that you understand my need to get this out there, I feel like I could scream from the rooftops what the Almighty has done in my life. Let Him into the dark recesses of your hearts and minds, I promise He will be gentle and He will right the wrongs that have been done and create a new and perfect you, the person you were intended to be, but that this would has inhibited or nearly snuffed out entirely. Trust Him with your hurts, and He'll give you robes of righteousness and healing instead! : )
God Bless and Love You All! : )
A New & Free Nickel : )
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Suddenly..
God is amazing! I am just absolutely baffled by the way He works sometimes!
Paul was away Thursday through Saturday at Skate Conference, and I had Friday night free, so I invited some ladies over for dinner and some chick flicks. God had other plans!
I'd finished making dinner and sat down to eat with Andrea and Makaila. I got maybe two bites and felt that I needed to be really transparent with them. I just told them how I felt so out of place, and that I didn't fit in. I told them how I just couldn't relax and just be myself. Instantly Andrea started asking me more in depth questions, as to why I felt this way, and basically just pouring truth over me. The whole time I'm just sobbing. God had spoken to me earlier in the day, an old work friend killed himself a few days ago, and I was just thanking God that all the times I'd wanted to kill myself and by the grace of God I didn't. He told me that although I didn't kill myself I also didn't want to live, so I've been in this sort of limbo between the two. WOW powerful.
So back to dinner...Andrea is speaking truth into me and not letting me hide behind my fascade. She's telling me she's been in the same place, but that I can overcome it. The whole time her hand is shaking and she finally looks at me and says, "I can get you drunk RIGHT NOW, do you want to be drunk?" I say yes, and she comes to where I am sitting at the dinner table and starts praying for me and the Spirit is just overwhelming me. Eventually we had to just move to the floor.
For the next four hours I was prayed for intensely, and God really pulled a lot off of me and just filled me with His joy and His truth. It's like the identity that God's been telling me He's bringing to me was downloaded in a large chunk. At some point and time we were joined by Hayley, and it just began this huge spiral of prayer, with Makaila and I at the center of the receiving. It was absolutely incredible, and clearly a divine appointment!
I've struggled a bit with not worrying, but God's defining the grey areas of worry for me, and really just ridding me of the oppression I've been under. I know identity is true now. There may be a few strands of my old identity holding on, but I trust that those will soon be gone too!
God also spoke to me that I've been wearing the wrong armor. Much like when David wore Saul's armor. He couldn't move in it, couldn't fight in it, couldn't do anything in it. But once he took off the ill-fitted armor and put on the name of the Lord he could strike down any giant. I think this goes hand in hand with walking in the wrong identity!
WOW...I think this has been one of God's "suddenly"'s!
Paul was away Thursday through Saturday at Skate Conference, and I had Friday night free, so I invited some ladies over for dinner and some chick flicks. God had other plans!
I'd finished making dinner and sat down to eat with Andrea and Makaila. I got maybe two bites and felt that I needed to be really transparent with them. I just told them how I felt so out of place, and that I didn't fit in. I told them how I just couldn't relax and just be myself. Instantly Andrea started asking me more in depth questions, as to why I felt this way, and basically just pouring truth over me. The whole time I'm just sobbing. God had spoken to me earlier in the day, an old work friend killed himself a few days ago, and I was just thanking God that all the times I'd wanted to kill myself and by the grace of God I didn't. He told me that although I didn't kill myself I also didn't want to live, so I've been in this sort of limbo between the two. WOW powerful.
So back to dinner...Andrea is speaking truth into me and not letting me hide behind my fascade. She's telling me she's been in the same place, but that I can overcome it. The whole time her hand is shaking and she finally looks at me and says, "I can get you drunk RIGHT NOW, do you want to be drunk?" I say yes, and she comes to where I am sitting at the dinner table and starts praying for me and the Spirit is just overwhelming me. Eventually we had to just move to the floor.
For the next four hours I was prayed for intensely, and God really pulled a lot off of me and just filled me with His joy and His truth. It's like the identity that God's been telling me He's bringing to me was downloaded in a large chunk. At some point and time we were joined by Hayley, and it just began this huge spiral of prayer, with Makaila and I at the center of the receiving. It was absolutely incredible, and clearly a divine appointment!
I've struggled a bit with not worrying, but God's defining the grey areas of worry for me, and really just ridding me of the oppression I've been under. I know identity is true now. There may be a few strands of my old identity holding on, but I trust that those will soon be gone too!
God also spoke to me that I've been wearing the wrong armor. Much like when David wore Saul's armor. He couldn't move in it, couldn't fight in it, couldn't do anything in it. But once he took off the ill-fitted armor and put on the name of the Lord he could strike down any giant. I think this goes hand in hand with walking in the wrong identity!
WOW...I think this has been one of God's "suddenly"'s!
Monday, October 12, 2009
WOW :D
Wow...God is doing a work...and it's totally caught me off guard. It's so true that God's a gentleman and He doesn't rush us into what He has for us. He's so often the God that Ed's been portraying through this "consider the lilies" walk. He has the gifts and blessings we need we just need to ask for them.
In the past two weeks God has really shown me that my identity is false. This identity that I've walked in for almost 27 years is partly me, but a lot of what the world has told me I am, or what I've become out of necessity to survive. But that's not who I am called to be, nor is it me living an abundant life. So, that's a bit shocking and a bit of a blow you might say, but the Lord has ways of saying what you need to hear in a way that you can accept it. As harsh as it sounds, it was what I've heard from Him for a long time. Deep in my heart, but this time, my mind finally caught on. And something clicked.
Now I can honestly say this is something the Lord has "brought about", as I have not put any effort into praying about it to a large degree, I've been more aware of it. I've been trying to examine areas to see if that part of my identity lines up with the Word of God. If it doesn't then it's not MY identity.
Let me tell you, my life has changed so much these past two weeks. And not on the outside or in the physical, but I feel brand new on the inside. I feel stronger, more secure, more accepting of myself, and less aware of people's opinions of me, which if you know me well enough you know that this is beyond amazing for me!
I know it's a process and there's a lot to work on, but I am so excited that the struggles I've had for so long seem to just be melting right away!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In Beatrice news...
I've learned a lot from that little plant as of late. Unfortunately Beatrice almost died in the process of me learning. The day after Ed told us we were no longer doing our walks with our plants I was very dishearted. SO, I left Beatrice in my car. Now mind you my husband had left Gary in the trunk of the car on numerous occasions and to this day he is very green and lively, so I thought she'd be okay. BOY WAS I WRONG!
The poor thing wilted so badly I thought she was dead. She was depleted of any and all moisture. When I saw her I just cried. She looked terrible.
Again, out of this despair God spoke to me. "Nickel, this is what you do with people". Wow, now that's a blow to the gut, but so very true. When people hurt me, or my heart hurts because of them I push them away so I don't have to deal with it. But in the end I have to deal with the injury to the relationship.
_______________________________________________
So needless to say I was ashamed to bring Beatrice to the prayer center because of how badly she looked. I felt like such a failure. Then I trimmed her way down, she only has two leaves now, but I had to cut off all the dead stuff. Then when Friday rolled back around and it was time to head back to the prayer center God told me to be proud of her, not to be ashamed of her. She is an extension of me. And just like I've been through a lot of abuse and drought, God's trimming me down to grow me the way I should be grown.
That's something that God showed me the other day in the prayer room. All the potential for me to be what I need to be is within me, He's already put it there. It's like a seed. It's encased in a shell full of nutrients and it has the makeup of everything that seed could ever be. It's covered by soil, which in essence is dead, decaying compost. The seed can choose to forever stay a seed, and stay in it's comfy soil home. But the seed will never reach it's full potential, and eventually it will die. But the seed that longs to be it's full potential will push through the soil (all the dead stuff) and grow toward the light.
This is the process that God's got me in right now, and I am so thankful that He is so faithful! :D
In the past two weeks God has really shown me that my identity is false. This identity that I've walked in for almost 27 years is partly me, but a lot of what the world has told me I am, or what I've become out of necessity to survive. But that's not who I am called to be, nor is it me living an abundant life. So, that's a bit shocking and a bit of a blow you might say, but the Lord has ways of saying what you need to hear in a way that you can accept it. As harsh as it sounds, it was what I've heard from Him for a long time. Deep in my heart, but this time, my mind finally caught on. And something clicked.
Now I can honestly say this is something the Lord has "brought about", as I have not put any effort into praying about it to a large degree, I've been more aware of it. I've been trying to examine areas to see if that part of my identity lines up with the Word of God. If it doesn't then it's not MY identity.
Let me tell you, my life has changed so much these past two weeks. And not on the outside or in the physical, but I feel brand new on the inside. I feel stronger, more secure, more accepting of myself, and less aware of people's opinions of me, which if you know me well enough you know that this is beyond amazing for me!
I know it's a process and there's a lot to work on, but I am so excited that the struggles I've had for so long seem to just be melting right away!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In Beatrice news...
I've learned a lot from that little plant as of late. Unfortunately Beatrice almost died in the process of me learning. The day after Ed told us we were no longer doing our walks with our plants I was very dishearted. SO, I left Beatrice in my car. Now mind you my husband had left Gary in the trunk of the car on numerous occasions and to this day he is very green and lively, so I thought she'd be okay. BOY WAS I WRONG!
The poor thing wilted so badly I thought she was dead. She was depleted of any and all moisture. When I saw her I just cried. She looked terrible.
Again, out of this despair God spoke to me. "Nickel, this is what you do with people". Wow, now that's a blow to the gut, but so very true. When people hurt me, or my heart hurts because of them I push them away so I don't have to deal with it. But in the end I have to deal with the injury to the relationship.
_______________________________________________
So needless to say I was ashamed to bring Beatrice to the prayer center because of how badly she looked. I felt like such a failure. Then I trimmed her way down, she only has two leaves now, but I had to cut off all the dead stuff. Then when Friday rolled back around and it was time to head back to the prayer center God told me to be proud of her, not to be ashamed of her. She is an extension of me. And just like I've been through a lot of abuse and drought, God's trimming me down to grow me the way I should be grown.
That's something that God showed me the other day in the prayer room. All the potential for me to be what I need to be is within me, He's already put it there. It's like a seed. It's encased in a shell full of nutrients and it has the makeup of everything that seed could ever be. It's covered by soil, which in essence is dead, decaying compost. The seed can choose to forever stay a seed, and stay in it's comfy soil home. But the seed will never reach it's full potential, and eventually it will die. But the seed that longs to be it's full potential will push through the soil (all the dead stuff) and grow toward the light.
This is the process that God's got me in right now, and I am so thankful that He is so faithful! :D
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Our application for yesterday was basically to tell someone about our plants and to then post about their responses. Unfortunately at Coke we rarely have any chance to literally talk to each other. Usually there may be a 30 second conversation interrupted by an avalanche of calls, and then 3 hours later you realize you were talking to someone! The only chance we really get to talk is at our once a week meeting. SO, I called some people, and NO ONE ANSWERED their phones. I left messages, and not a one called me back, including my mom and dad! SO...My last hope at completing this was to post a blog on Facebook and Myspace. I had no responses on Myspace, but I did get several on Facebook.
Here's what I posted as well as the responses...
Hello Everyone.
Some of you may know that for the past few weeks I've been carrying around a Neanthebella Palm. Why might you ask? Well, it's a bit of a project we're doing at Onething Prayer Center. We're to carry our plants every where we go and to "consider the lilies" as Matthew 6:25-34 states. During this process we're to not only learn about the plant, and how it grows, but we're to consider ourselves and our lives and how God takes care of us and we have no need to worry. Daily we do applications through an online blog, which range from reaching out to others, to reaching into ourselves. Every application that we complete we get the chance to earn necessities for our plant, like water, plant food, pruning, and sunlight.
I named my plant Beatrice, and it's been very interesting taking her where ever I go. There's been a lot of strange looks that's for sure! I've learned about the fragility of life, but the fact that no matter what Beatrice trusts that she'll be watered, and she'll get sunlight. She doesn't worry or fret. I've learned about my own fragility and that I can trust God, that no matter what He's going to take care of me. I don't have to worry about what I'll eat, or what I'll wear. As long as I put my trust in Him.
One instance that really stuck out me was the day I earned my first ever pruning for Beatrice. My insane cat Aldo had gotten in the room where Beatrice is kept and ate huge chunks out of her leaving dead brown spots all over. I'd taken very good care of her for so long that it was such a bummer. All I could see was the scars and dead spots. During the process of pruning her I noticed she had a ton of new growth that I hadn't seen before. I'd been really battling myself over failing in some areas, and I was being very hard on myself. I couldn't get past my failures. I couldn't get past my dead spots. Immediately I thought, how often do I miss my new growth as a person and as a child of God because I can't get past the dead spots. From that moment on I've had a different perspective of myself. And I've given myself much more grace than I have before. Not only to be human, but to forgive myself for failing. Besides you can't move on from a failure without seeing some good to move on to.
Well, that's just a little sample of what I've learned so far. I appreciate any comments or questions you may have for me as it's part of my application for the day and Beatrice could really use some water! ;)
Much Love!
-Jennifer: I think that is amazing!
-Cynthia: This is awesome Nickel. Its amazing how something like this is a lesson in accepting yourself and the things that come your way from God. As long as we trust in God we don't need to worry about the outcome of things because we'll always be taken care of. Talk to you soon!
-Chance: The 3rd paragraph hit me like a ton of bricks. This has helped me realize things about myself as well. Thank you so much for posting this!
-Heather: Nickel, how awesome is God? I just spoke to my homegroup about not sweating the dark areas in our lives, but to see them as opportunities for growth. And then here you are talking about the same thing. I love you girl! Thanks for sharing!
-Rochelle: I've been at the same spot Nickel. Recently I have really been trying to count the blessings and let God take care of the rest. I also know that attitude has a great deal with how you handle things. Trying to live my life with an attitude of gratitude in all situations! I love you!
-Amber: If God gives you grace, then shouldn't you give it yourself, too? If not, are you saying His grace isn't enough...that you have to be harder on yourself than He is? His grace IS enough. No need to focus on your scars, dead spots or failures - He doesn't even see them! He doesn't remember them (see Hebrews 10:17). Now, that's good news! We need to get past focusing on ourselves (what good does that do us anyway?), put our focus on Jesus & what He's done for us and see ourselves how the Father sees us! I guarantee life will change for you!
-Steve: Amen!!! We are NOW the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus...everything else is just crap! (that's King James :-) )
Here's what I posted as well as the responses...
Hello Everyone.
Some of you may know that for the past few weeks I've been carrying around a Neanthebella Palm. Why might you ask? Well, it's a bit of a project we're doing at Onething Prayer Center. We're to carry our plants every where we go and to "consider the lilies" as Matthew 6:25-34 states. During this process we're to not only learn about the plant, and how it grows, but we're to consider ourselves and our lives and how God takes care of us and we have no need to worry. Daily we do applications through an online blog, which range from reaching out to others, to reaching into ourselves. Every application that we complete we get the chance to earn necessities for our plant, like water, plant food, pruning, and sunlight.
I named my plant Beatrice, and it's been very interesting taking her where ever I go. There's been a lot of strange looks that's for sure! I've learned about the fragility of life, but the fact that no matter what Beatrice trusts that she'll be watered, and she'll get sunlight. She doesn't worry or fret. I've learned about my own fragility and that I can trust God, that no matter what He's going to take care of me. I don't have to worry about what I'll eat, or what I'll wear. As long as I put my trust in Him.
One instance that really stuck out me was the day I earned my first ever pruning for Beatrice. My insane cat Aldo had gotten in the room where Beatrice is kept and ate huge chunks out of her leaving dead brown spots all over. I'd taken very good care of her for so long that it was such a bummer. All I could see was the scars and dead spots. During the process of pruning her I noticed she had a ton of new growth that I hadn't seen before. I'd been really battling myself over failing in some areas, and I was being very hard on myself. I couldn't get past my failures. I couldn't get past my dead spots. Immediately I thought, how often do I miss my new growth as a person and as a child of God because I can't get past the dead spots. From that moment on I've had a different perspective of myself. And I've given myself much more grace than I have before. Not only to be human, but to forgive myself for failing. Besides you can't move on from a failure without seeing some good to move on to.
Well, that's just a little sample of what I've learned so far. I appreciate any comments or questions you may have for me as it's part of my application for the day and Beatrice could really use some water! ;)
Much Love!
-Jennifer: I think that is amazing!
-Cynthia: This is awesome Nickel. Its amazing how something like this is a lesson in accepting yourself and the things that come your way from God. As long as we trust in God we don't need to worry about the outcome of things because we'll always be taken care of. Talk to you soon!
-Chance: The 3rd paragraph hit me like a ton of bricks. This has helped me realize things about myself as well. Thank you so much for posting this!
-Heather: Nickel, how awesome is God? I just spoke to my homegroup about not sweating the dark areas in our lives, but to see them as opportunities for growth. And then here you are talking about the same thing. I love you girl! Thanks for sharing!
-Rochelle: I've been at the same spot Nickel. Recently I have really been trying to count the blessings and let God take care of the rest. I also know that attitude has a great deal with how you handle things. Trying to live my life with an attitude of gratitude in all situations! I love you!
-Amber: If God gives you grace, then shouldn't you give it yourself, too? If not, are you saying His grace isn't enough...that you have to be harder on yourself than He is? His grace IS enough. No need to focus on your scars, dead spots or failures - He doesn't even see them! He doesn't remember them (see Hebrews 10:17). Now, that's good news! We need to get past focusing on ourselves (what good does that do us anyway?), put our focus on Jesus & what He's done for us and see ourselves how the Father sees us! I guarantee life will change for you!
-Steve: Amen!!! We are NOW the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus...everything else is just crap! (that's King James :-) )
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
New Growth....
I just got done giving Beatrice her first ever pruning! There was a lot of damage from when the cat chomped on her for a good fifteen minutes or so, which has really been irking me. It was nice to trim her up and make her pretty again. In the process I realized that she has a ton of new growth that I thought I'd seen, but because of all the broken, brown pieces I didn't see. It's really refreshing to see that not only is she surviving my caretaking, but she's thriving!
Really makes me wonder how often I see the broken, brown pieces of my life and forget that my caretaker God is well aware of the new growth hidden from sight. God show me the areas of my life in which I've grown new life. Trim away the dead, and let me see the new growth. Thank you Father for being my faithful caretaker!
It's amazing how a little plant can make you think!
Really makes me wonder how often I see the broken, brown pieces of my life and forget that my caretaker God is well aware of the new growth hidden from sight. God show me the areas of my life in which I've grown new life. Trim away the dead, and let me see the new growth. Thank you Father for being my faithful caretaker!
It's amazing how a little plant can make you think!
Frustration...
Well...as you can tell from the title of this post I am very frustrated. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually. I am really in a battle right now. I have come to the same epiphony that I always do...I'm surviving. I was pretty sick last week, on some days to the point of not being able to do the blog, or even make coherent decisions. But I must admit there were days when I could have done the blog, and I would have been much better off had I.
I've found myself in another spiral of just making it through the day. Operating on auto-pilot. Doing the day to day grind. Subconsciously avoiding the hard stuff. The hard stuff, which is the emotional stuff, the spiritual stuff, the God stuff. I've found myself beginning to hate carrying my Beatrice around with me. Yesterday consisted of me getting up early, which was hard after sleeping about 18 hours a day for a week, getting ready for work. Talking to God for a short few minutes in the shower. Punching in at work, talking for ten hours on the phone, punching out of work. Costco. Onething to pick up Paul's chair. Home. Making dinner. Cleaning up Dinner. Washing a load of laundry. Bed.
In essence my life could read: "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."
But I desperately want to be one of those people who can juggle so many things and still have a stellar spiritual walk with the Lord. God's really been impressing on me lately to schedule my life out to a degree. To literally schedule God time. To organize myself and my thoughts a bit better. My trouble is when I get overwhelmed.
For instance, right now I'm so overwhelmed by not being able to catch up on the blog, that when I read the words my mind instantly starts saying "You'll never catch up. You're so far behind." So much so I can't even see the words I'm reading.
I'm so discouraged at this point. This is usually the point where I'd give up, throw my hands up and just walk away. But that's exactly what's gotten me into this whole mess. I can't walk away, I have to do this. It's not about a plant. It's about Jesus and I. Everything else, laundry, work, sleep has to become secondary, to my relationship with Him. Well actually, Paul comes before work, laundry etc. But you get my point.
I was never really taught how to cope with being overwhelmed. When I was a kid, I'd get overwhelmed with cleaning my room, I just wouldn't do it. Then my mom would clean it. When I got overwhelmed with school, I either failed, or I had an incredible teacher who'd pull me through by the skin of my teeth. So here I am an adult trying to learn to cope with things that most people can easilly deal with, and failing miserably. But I know God wants me to live abundantly, and I'm certainly not doing that, so He will give me the strength to overcome instead of being overwhelmed. I'm sure this post seems to be all over the place. I'm posting this from work between calls.
I appreciate all of you that are following this blog. It's really keeping me accountable to what I write here. Thank you for that.
I've found myself in another spiral of just making it through the day. Operating on auto-pilot. Doing the day to day grind. Subconsciously avoiding the hard stuff. The hard stuff, which is the emotional stuff, the spiritual stuff, the God stuff. I've found myself beginning to hate carrying my Beatrice around with me. Yesterday consisted of me getting up early, which was hard after sleeping about 18 hours a day for a week, getting ready for work. Talking to God for a short few minutes in the shower. Punching in at work, talking for ten hours on the phone, punching out of work. Costco. Onething to pick up Paul's chair. Home. Making dinner. Cleaning up Dinner. Washing a load of laundry. Bed.
In essence my life could read: "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."
But I desperately want to be one of those people who can juggle so many things and still have a stellar spiritual walk with the Lord. God's really been impressing on me lately to schedule my life out to a degree. To literally schedule God time. To organize myself and my thoughts a bit better. My trouble is when I get overwhelmed.
For instance, right now I'm so overwhelmed by not being able to catch up on the blog, that when I read the words my mind instantly starts saying "You'll never catch up. You're so far behind." So much so I can't even see the words I'm reading.
I'm so discouraged at this point. This is usually the point where I'd give up, throw my hands up and just walk away. But that's exactly what's gotten me into this whole mess. I can't walk away, I have to do this. It's not about a plant. It's about Jesus and I. Everything else, laundry, work, sleep has to become secondary, to my relationship with Him. Well actually, Paul comes before work, laundry etc. But you get my point.
I was never really taught how to cope with being overwhelmed. When I was a kid, I'd get overwhelmed with cleaning my room, I just wouldn't do it. Then my mom would clean it. When I got overwhelmed with school, I either failed, or I had an incredible teacher who'd pull me through by the skin of my teeth. So here I am an adult trying to learn to cope with things that most people can easilly deal with, and failing miserably. But I know God wants me to live abundantly, and I'm certainly not doing that, so He will give me the strength to overcome instead of being overwhelmed. I'm sure this post seems to be all over the place. I'm posting this from work between calls.
I appreciate all of you that are following this blog. It's really keeping me accountable to what I write here. Thank you for that.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I guarantee the security guard at Coke thinks I'm a nut! She's just too nice to say anything. The first day I think she noticed me carrying Beatrice was a day when I was doing a balancing act of my giant purse, a giant bottle of water, and my lunch box (no worries Beatrice was safe and sound snuggled close to me). The guard rushed to the door to let me in. In the days following I didn't have quite as much to juggle so she left me to fend for myself, but the looks have gotten more and more of confusion and curiosity. It probably doesn't help that Paul also works with me and he's carrying Gary around! ;) In spite of all the puzzled glances and the obvious curiosity, Ms. Security Guard still hasn't asked me about it. The only question I've gotten from anyone is whether or not it was a Marijuana plant, and once that question was answered nothing else.
Weirdly enough I wish someone would ask me about Beatrice. For someone like me it's more awkward if no one says anything. I've realized through this how much I worry about what people think about me. I've often times been crippled by the thought that someone was judging me. God's helped me to mature a lot in the past few years which has really diminished this, but there are still many times that I am very, very aware of (or paranoid more like it) people's criticism of me.
Beatrice on the other hand is happy just being who she is. She knows she's a plant, she knows she's a palm, and she doesn't apologize for being either. So, who am I? I think that's the problem. Because I've been such a survivor for so long I really don't know WHO I am. I've shaped myself very carefully to please every person on every occasion, in a way to guard myself from further hurt. There are glimpses of the real me, when I've been laid out of the floor under the presence of God, and He just melts away the masks. And I love the real me. I think that's where God has me now. Getting to know ME. Getting to know who He made me to be. Who I really am, and loving myself exactly as I am.
Then maybe one day soon I can be perfectly happy being Nickel, with no apologies, no fears, just blatantly, ferociously NICKEL.
Weirdly enough I wish someone would ask me about Beatrice. For someone like me it's more awkward if no one says anything. I've realized through this how much I worry about what people think about me. I've often times been crippled by the thought that someone was judging me. God's helped me to mature a lot in the past few years which has really diminished this, but there are still many times that I am very, very aware of (or paranoid more like it) people's criticism of me.
Beatrice on the other hand is happy just being who she is. She knows she's a plant, she knows she's a palm, and she doesn't apologize for being either. So, who am I? I think that's the problem. Because I've been such a survivor for so long I really don't know WHO I am. I've shaped myself very carefully to please every person on every occasion, in a way to guard myself from further hurt. There are glimpses of the real me, when I've been laid out of the floor under the presence of God, and He just melts away the masks. And I love the real me. I think that's where God has me now. Getting to know ME. Getting to know who He made me to be. Who I really am, and loving myself exactly as I am.
Then maybe one day soon I can be perfectly happy being Nickel, with no apologies, no fears, just blatantly, ferociously NICKEL.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
So, where do I begin? I guess I could start by telling you about my friend Beatrice. We've just recently met and are already great friends. She's kind of a constant companion you could say. She's about 20 inches tall, green, and really, really hates my cat. If you're confused, I'm not surprised. Beatrice is a plant. A Neanthebella Palm to be precise. She was a gift from my pastor, with one little catch, that I would take her with me wherever I go, for 40 days and to "consider the lilies" as Luke 12:27 states. We're also to examine our lives and the areas that we have anxiety, fear, etc. I have learned a lot so far, both about the nature of God, and the nature of myself. Not only do I want to document my journey with Beatrice, but when our 40 days are up I hope to continue this blog to further delve into my own struggle to thrive.
So now that you are in the loop about my darling Beatrice, maybe we should go over some of the things that I've learned so far. One thing in particular has really stood out to me. I have felt God's heart for me, reflected through my heart for Beatrice. It's like when I look at her I feel proud that I have kept her from harm, that I am nurturing her. That she is mine. I am proud that she is growing, that she is thriving. This has been one of the hardest things for me, simply because I see myself barely holding on, simply surviving.
Those of you who know me may be thinking, "What?! Nickel really?". Well, yeah. For years I have had to survive. I've been the victim of abuse, at a very early age, mentally and emotionally scarred, and at twenty-six years old I've found myself simply going through the motions. God has healed most, if not all, the wounds that were inflicted on me, by my abuser, and by myself over the years, but there's still a pattern, a cycle I can't seem to break. A cycle of not living, not even enjoying life, or making the most of my time, but just going through life until one day it will be over. I have no drive to thrive.
You are probably really lost now, "Wait, weren't we just talking about the heart of God...and being proud that Beatrice is growing? How does this even relate?". Well, God's shown me He wants me to be like Beatrice, He wants me to not only live, and make it through the day, but to THRIVE to be what I am called to be to the extent I'm called to be it. Think of it this way, what if you cared for a plant. You gave it all the sunshine, nutrients, water, and love you could, but for some reason it still doesn't grow. Imagine even more so if you found a plant tangled in and being choked by thorny weeds. You pull out your gardening gloves and snip away the weeds, being careful not to further damage the soft foliage. You give said plant a new plush bed full of nutrients and you surround it with a hedge to protect it. You'd expect the plant to do well right? Well, what if the plant doesn't know anything else. It's been in the thorny weeds since it was a seedling, and it's actually more comfortable being in the midst of surviving. How do you stop the cycle of merely surviving?
Well, that's pretty much where I'm at right now. God's pulled me from the cause of the hurt, He's tended to my wounds, He's planted me in good soil, and yet here I am, still set in the same motion. Wake up, survive, do my daily chores, survive, go to bed. Next day, same scenario. All the while, just living in the moment. Just trudging through.
I'm sorry if this has been a bit of a downer, this is just where God's got me right now. BUT I am very excited to see where God takes me. I know that God reveals these things for a reason, not to bum us out, or weigh us down. I know that it might be a long process, but as long as He's with me, I know I'll make it. And one day soon I will be who I'm called to be, not who I've trained myself to be to protect myself.
Sorry if this has been a bit heavy, I think my best bet is to be as transparent and honest as possible. And if no body else reads this at least I am getting it out, learning from it, and growing on! :D
So now that you are in the loop about my darling Beatrice, maybe we should go over some of the things that I've learned so far. One thing in particular has really stood out to me. I have felt God's heart for me, reflected through my heart for Beatrice. It's like when I look at her I feel proud that I have kept her from harm, that I am nurturing her. That she is mine. I am proud that she is growing, that she is thriving. This has been one of the hardest things for me, simply because I see myself barely holding on, simply surviving.
Those of you who know me may be thinking, "What?! Nickel really?". Well, yeah. For years I have had to survive. I've been the victim of abuse, at a very early age, mentally and emotionally scarred, and at twenty-six years old I've found myself simply going through the motions. God has healed most, if not all, the wounds that were inflicted on me, by my abuser, and by myself over the years, but there's still a pattern, a cycle I can't seem to break. A cycle of not living, not even enjoying life, or making the most of my time, but just going through life until one day it will be over. I have no drive to thrive.
You are probably really lost now, "Wait, weren't we just talking about the heart of God...and being proud that Beatrice is growing? How does this even relate?". Well, God's shown me He wants me to be like Beatrice, He wants me to not only live, and make it through the day, but to THRIVE to be what I am called to be to the extent I'm called to be it. Think of it this way, what if you cared for a plant. You gave it all the sunshine, nutrients, water, and love you could, but for some reason it still doesn't grow. Imagine even more so if you found a plant tangled in and being choked by thorny weeds. You pull out your gardening gloves and snip away the weeds, being careful not to further damage the soft foliage. You give said plant a new plush bed full of nutrients and you surround it with a hedge to protect it. You'd expect the plant to do well right? Well, what if the plant doesn't know anything else. It's been in the thorny weeds since it was a seedling, and it's actually more comfortable being in the midst of surviving. How do you stop the cycle of merely surviving?
Well, that's pretty much where I'm at right now. God's pulled me from the cause of the hurt, He's tended to my wounds, He's planted me in good soil, and yet here I am, still set in the same motion. Wake up, survive, do my daily chores, survive, go to bed. Next day, same scenario. All the while, just living in the moment. Just trudging through.
I'm sorry if this has been a bit of a downer, this is just where God's got me right now. BUT I am very excited to see where God takes me. I know that God reveals these things for a reason, not to bum us out, or weigh us down. I know that it might be a long process, but as long as He's with me, I know I'll make it. And one day soon I will be who I'm called to be, not who I've trained myself to be to protect myself.
Sorry if this has been a bit heavy, I think my best bet is to be as transparent and honest as possible. And if no body else reads this at least I am getting it out, learning from it, and growing on! :D
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