WOW :D

Wow...God is doing a work...and it's totally caught me off guard. It's so true that God's a gentleman and He doesn't rush us into what He has for us. He's so often the God that Ed's been portraying through this "consider the lilies" walk. He has the gifts and blessings we need we just need to ask for them.

In the past two weeks God has really shown me that my identity is false. This identity that I've walked in for almost 27 years is partly me, but a lot of what the world has told me I am, or what I've become out of necessity to survive. But that's not who I am called to be, nor is it me living an abundant life. So, that's a bit shocking and a bit of a blow you might say, but the Lord has ways of saying what you need to hear in a way that you can accept it. As harsh as it sounds, it was what I've heard from Him for a long time. Deep in my heart, but this time, my mind finally caught on. And something clicked.

Now I can honestly say this is something the Lord has "brought about", as I have not put any effort into praying about it to a large degree, I've been more aware of it. I've been trying to examine areas to see if that part of my identity lines up with the Word of God. If it doesn't then it's not MY identity.

Let me tell you, my life has changed so much these past two weeks. And not on the outside or in the physical, but I feel brand new on the inside. I feel stronger, more secure, more accepting of myself, and less aware of people's opinions of me, which if you know me well enough you know that this is beyond amazing for me!

I know it's a process and there's a lot to work on, but I am so excited that the struggles I've had for so long seem to just be melting right away!

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In Beatrice news...

I've learned a lot from that little plant as of late. Unfortunately Beatrice almost died in the process of me learning. The day after Ed told us we were no longer doing our walks with our plants I was very dishearted. SO, I left Beatrice in my car. Now mind you my husband had left Gary in the trunk of the car on numerous occasions and to this day he is very green and lively, so I thought she'd be okay. BOY WAS I WRONG!

The poor thing wilted so badly I thought she was dead. She was depleted of any and all moisture. When I saw her I just cried. She looked terrible.

Again, out of this despair God spoke to me. "Nickel, this is what you do with people". Wow, now that's a blow to the gut, but so very true. When people hurt me, or my heart hurts because of them I push them away so I don't have to deal with it. But in the end I have to deal with the injury to the relationship.

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So needless to say I was ashamed to bring Beatrice to the prayer center because of how badly she looked. I felt like such a failure. Then I trimmed her way down, she only has two leaves now, but I had to cut off all the dead stuff. Then when Friday rolled back around and it was time to head back to the prayer center God told me to be proud of her, not to be ashamed of her. She is an extension of me. And just like I've been through a lot of abuse and drought, God's trimming me down to grow me the way I should be grown.

That's something that God showed me the other day in the prayer room. All the potential for me to be what I need to be is within me, He's already put it there. It's like a seed. It's encased in a shell full of nutrients and it has the makeup of everything that seed could ever be. It's covered by soil, which in essence is dead, decaying compost. The seed can choose to forever stay a seed, and stay in it's comfy soil home. But the seed will never reach it's full potential, and eventually it will die. But the seed that longs to be it's full potential will push through the soil (all the dead stuff) and grow toward the light.

This is the process that God's got me in right now, and I am so thankful that He is so faithful! :D