So, where do I begin? I guess I could start by telling you about my friend Beatrice. We've just recently met and are already great friends. She's kind of a constant companion you could say. She's about 20 inches tall, green, and really, really hates my cat. If you're confused, I'm not surprised. Beatrice is a plant. A Neanthebella Palm to be precise. She was a gift from my pastor, with one little catch, that I would take her with me wherever I go, for 40 days and to "consider the lilies" as Luke 12:27 states. We're also to examine our lives and the areas that we have anxiety, fear, etc. I have learned a lot so far, both about the nature of God, and the nature of myself. Not only do I want to document my journey with Beatrice, but when our 40 days are up I hope to continue this blog to further delve into my own struggle to thrive.

So now that you are in the loop about my darling Beatrice, maybe we should go over some of the things that I've learned so far. One thing in particular has really stood out to me. I have felt God's heart for me, reflected through my heart for Beatrice. It's like when I look at her I feel proud that I have kept her from harm, that I am nurturing her. That she is mine. I am proud that she is growing, that she is thriving. This has been one of the hardest things for me, simply because I see myself barely holding on, simply surviving.

Those of you who know me may be thinking, "What?! Nickel really?". Well, yeah. For years I have had to survive. I've been the victim of abuse, at a very early age, mentally and emotionally scarred, and at twenty-six years old I've found myself simply going through the motions. God has healed most, if not all, the wounds that were inflicted on me, by my abuser, and by myself over the years, but there's still a pattern, a cycle I can't seem to break. A cycle of not living, not even enjoying life, or making the most of my time, but just going through life until one day it will be over. I have no drive to thrive.

You are probably really lost now, "Wait, weren't we just talking about the heart of God...and being proud that Beatrice is growing? How does this even relate?". Well, God's shown me He wants me to be like Beatrice, He wants me to not only live, and make it through the day, but to THRIVE to be what I am called to be to the extent I'm called to be it. Think of it this way, what if you cared for a plant. You gave it all the sunshine, nutrients, water, and love you could, but for some reason it still doesn't grow. Imagine even more so if you found a plant tangled in and being choked by thorny weeds. You pull out your gardening gloves and snip away the weeds, being careful not to further damage the soft foliage. You give said plant a new plush bed full of nutrients and you surround it with a hedge to protect it. You'd expect the plant to do well right? Well, what if the plant doesn't know anything else. It's been in the thorny weeds since it was a seedling, and it's actually more comfortable being in the midst of surviving. How do you stop the cycle of merely surviving?

Well, that's pretty much where I'm at right now. God's pulled me from the cause of the hurt, He's tended to my wounds, He's planted me in good soil, and yet here I am, still set in the same motion. Wake up, survive, do my daily chores, survive, go to bed. Next day, same scenario. All the while, just living in the moment. Just trudging through.

I'm sorry if this has been a bit of a downer, this is just where God's got me right now. BUT I am very excited to see where God takes me. I know that God reveals these things for a reason, not to bum us out, or weigh us down. I know that it might be a long process, but as long as He's with me, I know I'll make it. And one day soon I will be who I'm called to be, not who I've trained myself to be to protect myself.

Sorry if this has been a bit heavy, I think my best bet is to be as transparent and honest as possible. And if no body else reads this at least I am getting it out, learning from it, and growing on! :D