Frustration...

Well...as you can tell from the title of this post I am very frustrated. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually. I am really in a battle right now. I have come to the same epiphony that I always do...I'm surviving. I was pretty sick last week, on some days to the point of not being able to do the blog, or even make coherent decisions. But I must admit there were days when I could have done the blog, and I would have been much better off had I.

I've found myself in another spiral of just making it through the day. Operating on auto-pilot. Doing the day to day grind. Subconsciously avoiding the hard stuff. The hard stuff, which is the emotional stuff, the spiritual stuff, the God stuff. I've found myself beginning to hate carrying my Beatrice around with me. Yesterday consisted of me getting up early, which was hard after sleeping about 18 hours a day for a week, getting ready for work. Talking to God for a short few minutes in the shower. Punching in at work, talking for ten hours on the phone, punching out of work. Costco. Onething to pick up Paul's chair. Home. Making dinner. Cleaning up Dinner. Washing a load of laundry. Bed.

In essence my life could read: "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

But I desperately want to be one of those people who can juggle so many things and still have a stellar spiritual walk with the Lord. God's really been impressing on me lately to schedule my life out to a degree. To literally schedule God time. To organize myself and my thoughts a bit better. My trouble is when I get overwhelmed.
For instance, right now I'm so overwhelmed by not being able to catch up on the blog, that when I read the words my mind instantly starts saying "You'll never catch up. You're so far behind." So much so I can't even see the words I'm reading.

I'm so discouraged at this point. This is usually the point where I'd give up, throw my hands up and just walk away. But that's exactly what's gotten me into this whole mess. I can't walk away, I have to do this. It's not about a plant. It's about Jesus and I. Everything else, laundry, work, sleep has to become secondary, to my relationship with Him. Well actually, Paul comes before work, laundry etc. But you get my point.

I was never really taught how to cope with being overwhelmed. When I was a kid, I'd get overwhelmed with cleaning my room, I just wouldn't do it. Then my mom would clean it. When I got overwhelmed with school, I either failed, or I had an incredible teacher who'd pull me through by the skin of my teeth. So here I am an adult trying to learn to cope with things that most people can easilly deal with, and failing miserably. But I know God wants me to live abundantly, and I'm certainly not doing that, so He will give me the strength to overcome instead of being overwhelmed. I'm sure this post seems to be all over the place. I'm posting this from work between calls.

I appreciate all of you that are following this blog. It's really keeping me accountable to what I write here. Thank you for that.