I guarantee the security guard at Coke thinks I'm a nut! She's just too nice to say anything. The first day I think she noticed me carrying Beatrice was a day when I was doing a balancing act of my giant purse, a giant bottle of water, and my lunch box (no worries Beatrice was safe and sound snuggled close to me). The guard rushed to the door to let me in. In the days following I didn't have quite as much to juggle so she left me to fend for myself, but the looks have gotten more and more of confusion and curiosity. It probably doesn't help that Paul also works with me and he's carrying Gary around! ;) In spite of all the puzzled glances and the obvious curiosity, Ms. Security Guard still hasn't asked me about it. The only question I've gotten from anyone is whether or not it was a Marijuana plant, and once that question was answered nothing else.

Weirdly enough I wish someone would ask me about Beatrice. For someone like me it's more awkward if no one says anything. I've realized through this how much I worry about what people think about me. I've often times been crippled by the thought that someone was judging me. God's helped me to mature a lot in the past few years which has really diminished this, but there are still many times that I am very, very aware of (or paranoid more like it) people's criticism of me.

Beatrice on the other hand is happy just being who she is. She knows she's a plant, she knows she's a palm, and she doesn't apologize for being either. So, who am I? I think that's the problem. Because I've been such a survivor for so long I really don't know WHO I am. I've shaped myself very carefully to please every person on every occasion, in a way to guard myself from further hurt. There are glimpses of the real me, when I've been laid out of the floor under the presence of God, and He just melts away the masks. And I love the real me. I think that's where God has me now. Getting to know ME. Getting to know who He made me to be. Who I really am, and loving myself exactly as I am.

Then maybe one day soon I can be perfectly happy being Nickel, with no apologies, no fears, just blatantly, ferociously NICKEL.