I posted this on my Myspace page on January 4, 2009. I think it's no coincidence that I've found it again on December 31, 2009! :) This is what the Lord began, and has completed in me during this past year. Praise God! :)



January 4, 2009 - Sunday

Free At Last, Free At Last, Thank God Almighty!
I cannot begin to explain the transformation my heart has been enraptured in these past few months. There have been so many burdens, wounds, scars, memories healed and removed from me. God is amazing. At some point in my early childhood something very bad happened to me.

The full memory has been taken from me, by God's grace, because to remember every detail would take too much a toll on my psyche and spirit, and undo all the healing that has taken place. I remember snip-its, remembering and knowing things that no four year old should know, and being "aware" of sexual things as far back as I can remember.

But you may say, "If you fully remember then maybe you can have justice." And that is fully something I had tried to embrace, to understand, who, and why, and what I had done to bring such abuse upon myself. Well God has healed every wound inflicted on me by that person, and in conjunction with that every wound that I had inflicted on myself through self-hate, loathing, and utter abhorance of everything that I was.

I could feel God's great big loving heart for others, but not for me. How could he love something so foul and broken, so disgusting. I was such a little whore, or at least that's the twisted perception that had been burned into my very core. I always felt dirty, used, abused, and tossed to the side.

I moved from one user to the next, always letting guys have their way with me, abuse me, treat me like a piece of meat, (although God protected my virginity for my husband, and I'm thankful for that). I longed to be loved, to be treated like a princess. And that is what God has done for me. He gave me my Paul, who loves me and has stuck this long grieving process out. Who, although at times he could never fully understand, the depth of my agonizing pain, he saw a flicker of who I am meant to be underneath all the scar tissue that my life had become.

I say all of this to say, over the past few months God has healed every wound from this sexual abuse that happened so many years ago. I no longer blame myself for what happened. I love myself unconditionally, and I embrace my flaws with my strengths. I have more joy now than I ever did, because now it is not tainted with the self-hate and self-abuse that lasted for twenty years.

God is amazing, I was at Onething Prayer Center just the other day. I was burdened and weighed down by a sense of not being able to fully let go of my anger toward this person. And suddenly God allowed me to feel His pain and anger toward this person, although there is still grace for this person, his dicrepid acts were not forgotten, that I had not been merely looked over, that God's justice was perfect and that I could finally give that up. And from that time I have felt so much peace.

And then tonight, God gives a wonderful man of God a dream of me, in full color, spinning and dancing in a beautiful blue dress, and so full of freedom, and the funny this is that's the same imagery God gives when I feel the closest to Him, and that is a sign to me that I am finaly, truely, etirely, and completely set free and this will no longer harm me or my future children. And that is something I could never, ever repay my Father God for!

I know that this is a lot of jumbled emotions, and I hope that you understand my need to get this out there, I feel like I could scream from the rooftops what the Almighty has done in my life. Let Him into the dark recesses of your hearts and minds, I promise He will be gentle and He will right the wrongs that have been done and create a new and perfect you, the person you were intended to be, but that this would has inhibited or nearly snuffed out entirely. Trust Him with your hurts, and He'll give you robes of righteousness and healing instead! : )


God Bless and Love You All! : )

A New & Free Nickel : )