A dead end street.
Nowhere else to turn.
I'm tired of running.
Turn the lights down.
I admit I hear You,
In the beat of my heart.
I feel you pulling,
Oh God it's tearing me apart.
'Cause I've gotta find You,
Right where You've always been.
Deep inside the core of me,
Since my life with You began.
O God this hot frothy sin,
Bubbling at my lips.
So much filthy sin,
Dangling at my fingertips.
I'm so sick of not knowing You;
Not seeing You in all that I do.
Why do I feel so fake?
What will it take?
=================================================
And here's a letter I wrote shortly after this poem:
Jesus,
I know You know my heart of hearts and that You know my every thought. I just hate myself right now. I hate my weak, sad self. I want to be free. Free as a blue jay to fly for You. I wanna dance for You, I wanna sing for You. I wanna be Your's and You mine. Give me focus God. Help me see his snares. Help me kill my flesh. 'Cause I can't do anything on my own, anytime I try I mess up. I just have to quit trying to impress everyone. Thank you Lord.
<3 Nickel
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Innocence
A child, golden child, radiant as the Sun.
Robbed of the light.
Afraid to run.
Does she know him?
Perhaps we'll never know.
Were there any signs of impending evil?
As clear as blood splattered on soft white snow.
The child emerges.
Confused, angry, betrayed.
She hides away in her secret place.
'Lest her shame be openly displayed.
Afraid to trust.
Willing to please.
Her heart feels covered in rust,
Rotting with disease.
She sobs quietly as she plays make believe.
No one tries her pain to relieve.
Years have passed,
And yet no change.
A well built fascade,
She's diligently arranged.
Afraid to face herself,
For fear of what she might find.
Afraid to face the demons,
Afraid to leave it all behind.
It's become a close friend,
Of the cruelest kind.
It's a comfortable agony,
A blackhole of the mind.
"Can I be free?"
She asks in disbelief,
"Could it be,
My weary spirit could have relief?"
Broken, bleeding, covered in blood,
She stumbles and whimpers,
To the throne room of God.
"I have nothing left to give,
I am broken and abused.
I've not even the will to live,
But it's Your love I choose.
I am but a shadow of who I was to be,
But I am trusting in Your kindness,
That You will restore my purity."
A warm hand rests on her head.
Peace floods her like a river.
Life begins to trickle through what was dead,
And her whole body begins to shiver.
"I will right what has been wrong.
What was stolen I will restore.
You will be my beautiful song,
And pain will not be your banner anymore."
The woman is radiant,
Radiant as the Son.
She walks in the light,
Complete in the One.
Robbed of the light.
Afraid to run.
Does she know him?
Perhaps we'll never know.
Were there any signs of impending evil?
As clear as blood splattered on soft white snow.
The child emerges.
Confused, angry, betrayed.
She hides away in her secret place.
'Lest her shame be openly displayed.
Afraid to trust.
Willing to please.
Her heart feels covered in rust,
Rotting with disease.
She sobs quietly as she plays make believe.
No one tries her pain to relieve.
Years have passed,
And yet no change.
A well built fascade,
She's diligently arranged.
Afraid to face herself,
For fear of what she might find.
Afraid to face the demons,
Afraid to leave it all behind.
It's become a close friend,
Of the cruelest kind.
It's a comfortable agony,
A blackhole of the mind.
"Can I be free?"
She asks in disbelief,
"Could it be,
My weary spirit could have relief?"
Broken, bleeding, covered in blood,
She stumbles and whimpers,
To the throne room of God.
"I have nothing left to give,
I am broken and abused.
I've not even the will to live,
But it's Your love I choose.
I am but a shadow of who I was to be,
But I am trusting in Your kindness,
That You will restore my purity."
A warm hand rests on her head.
Peace floods her like a river.
Life begins to trickle through what was dead,
And her whole body begins to shiver.
"I will right what has been wrong.
What was stolen I will restore.
You will be my beautiful song,
And pain will not be your banner anymore."
The woman is radiant,
Radiant as the Son.
She walks in the light,
Complete in the One.
Beauty for Ashes
I stare at the image in the glass.
Pale skin, ratty hair, yellow teeth.
Who would, could love this girl I see in the glass?
Does my worth line up with what they see?
I run into their arms hoping to be loved.
They smile with evil intent.
They know my weakness, towering above.
With groping hands that won't relent.
I'm left empty, unfulfilled, and self-loathing.
Picking up the pieces of my tattered heart,
While they're enjoying their prize and gloating,
No thought of the fact I've been torn apart.
I look at myself in the glass once more.
What is it about me?
Do I really look like a whore?
Why won't they love me?
Ashes,
Passages,
Written on the tablets of my heart.
Ashes,
Slashes,
Cutting my soul apart.
I throw my pain on the altar.
In desperation I plead.
Tossing myself before the Father.
Pounding the floor til my hands bleed.
"You're my daughter,
Strong and brave.
Put on your armor,
You're no longer their slave.
I made your eyes blue as the ocean,
to show the world the expanse of My love.
I made your hair of gold,
And your skin as white as a dove.
I made your touch tender,
To love as I love.
I made your spirit to laugh,
and your voice to sing.
I made your hands to heal,
I made your everything."
You're my beauty, Oh my Lord.
You are my worth.
I take joy in You Oh God,
More than anything on this earth.
Ashes,
Flashes,
Of God's holy fire.
Burning,
Discerning,
Through every desire.
You have given me beauty for ashes.
Pale skin, ratty hair, yellow teeth.
Who would, could love this girl I see in the glass?
Does my worth line up with what they see?
I run into their arms hoping to be loved.
They smile with evil intent.
They know my weakness, towering above.
With groping hands that won't relent.
I'm left empty, unfulfilled, and self-loathing.
Picking up the pieces of my tattered heart,
While they're enjoying their prize and gloating,
No thought of the fact I've been torn apart.
I look at myself in the glass once more.
What is it about me?
Do I really look like a whore?
Why won't they love me?
Ashes,
Passages,
Written on the tablets of my heart.
Ashes,
Slashes,
Cutting my soul apart.
I throw my pain on the altar.
In desperation I plead.
Tossing myself before the Father.
Pounding the floor til my hands bleed.
"You're my daughter,
Strong and brave.
Put on your armor,
You're no longer their slave.
I made your eyes blue as the ocean,
to show the world the expanse of My love.
I made your hair of gold,
And your skin as white as a dove.
I made your touch tender,
To love as I love.
I made your spirit to laugh,
and your voice to sing.
I made your hands to heal,
I made your everything."
You're my beauty, Oh my Lord.
You are my worth.
I take joy in You Oh God,
More than anything on this earth.
Ashes,
Flashes,
Of God's holy fire.
Burning,
Discerning,
Through every desire.
You have given me beauty for ashes.
Mercy
Lord, Your mercy is like a blanket.
You cover me completely with Your love.
Pulling down all my misconceptions,
With soft warmth from above.
Thought my friends hate me,
You always love me.
Though my family reject me,
You always accept me.
Though through my own neglect,
I tear myself to shreds.
You always mend all the tattered threads.
You cover me completely with Your love.
Pulling down all my misconceptions,
With soft warmth from above.
Thought my friends hate me,
You always love me.
Though my family reject me,
You always accept me.
Though through my own neglect,
I tear myself to shreds.
You always mend all the tattered threads.
September 12 2004
Why am I so stubborn?
Why do I fear Your rejection?
I'm so terrified to let go of this control,
That I think I have over my life.
I'm terrified deep inside.
Terrified that You have left me.
Terrified that I'm singled out.
That You love others more than You love me.
I know You love me.
Your Word says it's true.
But I'm so terrified,
That I'm not good enough for You.
I've got so many downfalls.
It's hard to see the good.
But Father I know You love me,
I just wish I understood.
I do the things I despise,
Because I want to be beautiful,
In my own eyes.
The truth is I hate everything about me.
My heart is always doubting.
Doubting what good people see in me.
Half believing, half doubting.
Doubting their reasons for loving me.
Doubting even Your love for me.
Focusing on my own perpetual pain.
Putting others before me always,
Always.
Why do I fear Your rejection?
I'm so terrified to let go of this control,
That I think I have over my life.
I'm terrified deep inside.
Terrified that You have left me.
Terrified that I'm singled out.
That You love others more than You love me.
I know You love me.
Your Word says it's true.
But I'm so terrified,
That I'm not good enough for You.
I've got so many downfalls.
It's hard to see the good.
But Father I know You love me,
I just wish I understood.
I do the things I despise,
Because I want to be beautiful,
In my own eyes.
The truth is I hate everything about me.
My heart is always doubting.
Doubting what good people see in me.
Half believing, half doubting.
Doubting their reasons for loving me.
Doubting even Your love for me.
Focusing on my own perpetual pain.
Putting others before me always,
Always.
July 12th 2004/February 8, 2005
July 12th 2004
Sometimes I'm shaken awake by Your care.
I try to go my own way, but You're always there.
Thank You for tenderly waiting for me,
And for understanding my humanity.
I love You!
_____________________________________________________________
February 8th, 2005
Lord, I don't know where You're take me, but I know where You've brought me from.
Sometimes I'm shaken awake by Your care.
I try to go my own way, but You're always there.
Thank You for tenderly waiting for me,
And for understanding my humanity.
I love You!
_____________________________________________________________
February 8th, 2005
Lord, I don't know where You're take me, but I know where You've brought me from.
Deliverance
My heart is heavy tonight God.
A deep sobriety has gripped me.
I'm so frail in my power,
And weak in my pride.
How'd I ever expect to make it out of here alive?
How'd I expect to breathe on my own?
You alone are my direction, my breath.
Deliver me.
Deliver me from the demons that snarl down my neck.
Deliver me from the minions constantly whispering in my ears.
Deliver me from my own lustful desires.
Deliver me.
Thank You Father for Your sweet deliverance.
A deep sobriety has gripped me.
I'm so frail in my power,
And weak in my pride.
How'd I ever expect to make it out of here alive?
How'd I expect to breathe on my own?
You alone are my direction, my breath.
Deliver me.
Deliver me from the demons that snarl down my neck.
Deliver me from the minions constantly whispering in my ears.
Deliver me from my own lustful desires.
Deliver me.
Thank You Father for Your sweet deliverance.
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