Our application for yesterday was basically to tell someone about our plants and to then post about their responses. Unfortunately at Coke we rarely have any chance to literally talk to each other. Usually there may be a 30 second conversation interrupted by an avalanche of calls, and then 3 hours later you realize you were talking to someone! The only chance we really get to talk is at our once a week meeting. SO, I called some people, and NO ONE ANSWERED their phones. I left messages, and not a one called me back, including my mom and dad! SO...My last hope at completing this was to post a blog on Facebook and Myspace. I had no responses on Myspace, but I did get several on Facebook.

Here's what I posted as well as the responses...

Hello Everyone.

Some of you may know that for the past few weeks I've been carrying around a Neanthebella Palm. Why might you ask? Well, it's a bit of a project we're doing at Onething Prayer Center. We're to carry our plants every where we go and to "consider the lilies" as Matthew 6:25-34 states. During this process we're to not only learn about the plant, and how it grows, but we're to consider ourselves and our lives and how God takes care of us and we have no need to worry. Daily we do applications through an online blog, which range from reaching out to others, to reaching into ourselves. Every application that we complete we get the chance to earn necessities for our plant, like water, plant food, pruning, and sunlight.

I named my plant Beatrice, and it's been very interesting taking her where ever I go. There's been a lot of strange looks that's for sure! I've learned about the fragility of life, but the fact that no matter what Beatrice trusts that she'll be watered, and she'll get sunlight. She doesn't worry or fret. I've learned about my own fragility and that I can trust God, that no matter what He's going to take care of me. I don't have to worry about what I'll eat, or what I'll wear. As long as I put my trust in Him.

One instance that really stuck out me was the day I earned my first ever pruning for Beatrice. My insane cat Aldo had gotten in the room where Beatrice is kept and ate huge chunks out of her leaving dead brown spots all over. I'd taken very good care of her for so long that it was such a bummer. All I could see was the scars and dead spots. During the process of pruning her I noticed she had a ton of new growth that I hadn't seen before. I'd been really battling myself over failing in some areas, and I was being very hard on myself. I couldn't get past my failures. I couldn't get past my dead spots. Immediately I thought, how often do I miss my new growth as a person and as a child of God because I can't get past the dead spots. From that moment on I've had a different perspective of myself. And I've given myself much more grace than I have before. Not only to be human, but to forgive myself for failing. Besides you can't move on from a failure without seeing some good to move on to.

Well, that's just a little sample of what I've learned so far. I appreciate any comments or questions you may have for me as it's part of my application for the day and Beatrice could really use some water! ;)

Much Love!

-Jennifer: I think that is amazing!

-Cynthia: This is awesome Nickel. Its amazing how something like this is a lesson in accepting yourself and the things that come your way from God. As long as we trust in God we don't need to worry about the outcome of things because we'll always be taken care of. Talk to you soon!

-Chance: The 3rd paragraph hit me like a ton of bricks. This has helped me realize things about myself as well. Thank you so much for posting this!

-Heather: Nickel, how awesome is God? I just spoke to my homegroup about not sweating the dark areas in our lives, but to see them as opportunities for growth. And then here you are talking about the same thing. I love you girl! Thanks for sharing!

-Rochelle: I've been at the same spot Nickel. Recently I have really been trying to count the blessings and let God take care of the rest. I also know that attitude has a great deal with how you handle things. Trying to live my life with an attitude of gratitude in all situations! I love you!

-Amber: If God gives you grace, then shouldn't you give it yourself, too? If not, are you saying His grace isn't enough...that you have to be harder on yourself than He is? His grace IS enough. No need to focus on your scars, dead spots or failures - He doesn't even see them! He doesn't remember them (see Hebrews 10:17). Now, that's good news! We need to get past focusing on ourselves (what good does that do us anyway?), put our focus on Jesus & what He's done for us and see ourselves how the Father sees us! I guarantee life will change for you!

-Steve: Amen!!! We are NOW the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus...everything else is just crap! (that's King James :-) )

New Growth....

I just got done giving Beatrice her first ever pruning! There was a lot of damage from when the cat chomped on her for a good fifteen minutes or so, which has really been irking me. It was nice to trim her up and make her pretty again. In the process I realized that she has a ton of new growth that I thought I'd seen, but because of all the broken, brown pieces I didn't see. It's really refreshing to see that not only is she surviving my caretaking, but she's thriving!

Really makes me wonder how often I see the broken, brown pieces of my life and forget that my caretaker God is well aware of the new growth hidden from sight. God show me the areas of my life in which I've grown new life. Trim away the dead, and let me see the new growth. Thank you Father for being my faithful caretaker!

It's amazing how a little plant can make you think!

Frustration...

Well...as you can tell from the title of this post I am very frustrated. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually. I am really in a battle right now. I have come to the same epiphony that I always do...I'm surviving. I was pretty sick last week, on some days to the point of not being able to do the blog, or even make coherent decisions. But I must admit there were days when I could have done the blog, and I would have been much better off had I.

I've found myself in another spiral of just making it through the day. Operating on auto-pilot. Doing the day to day grind. Subconsciously avoiding the hard stuff. The hard stuff, which is the emotional stuff, the spiritual stuff, the God stuff. I've found myself beginning to hate carrying my Beatrice around with me. Yesterday consisted of me getting up early, which was hard after sleeping about 18 hours a day for a week, getting ready for work. Talking to God for a short few minutes in the shower. Punching in at work, talking for ten hours on the phone, punching out of work. Costco. Onething to pick up Paul's chair. Home. Making dinner. Cleaning up Dinner. Washing a load of laundry. Bed.

In essence my life could read: "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

But I desperately want to be one of those people who can juggle so many things and still have a stellar spiritual walk with the Lord. God's really been impressing on me lately to schedule my life out to a degree. To literally schedule God time. To organize myself and my thoughts a bit better. My trouble is when I get overwhelmed.
For instance, right now I'm so overwhelmed by not being able to catch up on the blog, that when I read the words my mind instantly starts saying "You'll never catch up. You're so far behind." So much so I can't even see the words I'm reading.

I'm so discouraged at this point. This is usually the point where I'd give up, throw my hands up and just walk away. But that's exactly what's gotten me into this whole mess. I can't walk away, I have to do this. It's not about a plant. It's about Jesus and I. Everything else, laundry, work, sleep has to become secondary, to my relationship with Him. Well actually, Paul comes before work, laundry etc. But you get my point.

I was never really taught how to cope with being overwhelmed. When I was a kid, I'd get overwhelmed with cleaning my room, I just wouldn't do it. Then my mom would clean it. When I got overwhelmed with school, I either failed, or I had an incredible teacher who'd pull me through by the skin of my teeth. So here I am an adult trying to learn to cope with things that most people can easilly deal with, and failing miserably. But I know God wants me to live abundantly, and I'm certainly not doing that, so He will give me the strength to overcome instead of being overwhelmed. I'm sure this post seems to be all over the place. I'm posting this from work between calls.

I appreciate all of you that are following this blog. It's really keeping me accountable to what I write here. Thank you for that.

I guarantee the security guard at Coke thinks I'm a nut! She's just too nice to say anything. The first day I think she noticed me carrying Beatrice was a day when I was doing a balancing act of my giant purse, a giant bottle of water, and my lunch box (no worries Beatrice was safe and sound snuggled close to me). The guard rushed to the door to let me in. In the days following I didn't have quite as much to juggle so she left me to fend for myself, but the looks have gotten more and more of confusion and curiosity. It probably doesn't help that Paul also works with me and he's carrying Gary around! ;) In spite of all the puzzled glances and the obvious curiosity, Ms. Security Guard still hasn't asked me about it. The only question I've gotten from anyone is whether or not it was a Marijuana plant, and once that question was answered nothing else.

Weirdly enough I wish someone would ask me about Beatrice. For someone like me it's more awkward if no one says anything. I've realized through this how much I worry about what people think about me. I've often times been crippled by the thought that someone was judging me. God's helped me to mature a lot in the past few years which has really diminished this, but there are still many times that I am very, very aware of (or paranoid more like it) people's criticism of me.

Beatrice on the other hand is happy just being who she is. She knows she's a plant, she knows she's a palm, and she doesn't apologize for being either. So, who am I? I think that's the problem. Because I've been such a survivor for so long I really don't know WHO I am. I've shaped myself very carefully to please every person on every occasion, in a way to guard myself from further hurt. There are glimpses of the real me, when I've been laid out of the floor under the presence of God, and He just melts away the masks. And I love the real me. I think that's where God has me now. Getting to know ME. Getting to know who He made me to be. Who I really am, and loving myself exactly as I am.

Then maybe one day soon I can be perfectly happy being Nickel, with no apologies, no fears, just blatantly, ferociously NICKEL.