God is amazing! I am just absolutely baffled by the way He works sometimes!
Paul was away Thursday through Saturday at Skate Conference, and I had Friday night free, so I invited some ladies over for dinner and some chick flicks. God had other plans!
I'd finished making dinner and sat down to eat with Andrea and Makaila. I got maybe two bites and felt that I needed to be really transparent with them. I just told them how I felt so out of place, and that I didn't fit in. I told them how I just couldn't relax and just be myself. Instantly Andrea started asking me more in depth questions, as to why I felt this way, and basically just pouring truth over me. The whole time I'm just sobbing. God had spoken to me earlier in the day, an old work friend killed himself a few days ago, and I was just thanking God that all the times I'd wanted to kill myself and by the grace of God I didn't. He told me that although I didn't kill myself I also didn't want to live, so I've been in this sort of limbo between the two. WOW powerful.
So back to dinner...Andrea is speaking truth into me and not letting me hide behind my fascade. She's telling me she's been in the same place, but that I can overcome it. The whole time her hand is shaking and she finally looks at me and says, "I can get you drunk RIGHT NOW, do you want to be drunk?" I say yes, and she comes to where I am sitting at the dinner table and starts praying for me and the Spirit is just overwhelming me. Eventually we had to just move to the floor.
For the next four hours I was prayed for intensely, and God really pulled a lot off of me and just filled me with His joy and His truth. It's like the identity that God's been telling me He's bringing to me was downloaded in a large chunk. At some point and time we were joined by Hayley, and it just began this huge spiral of prayer, with Makaila and I at the center of the receiving. It was absolutely incredible, and clearly a divine appointment!
I've struggled a bit with not worrying, but God's defining the grey areas of worry for me, and really just ridding me of the oppression I've been under. I know identity is true now. There may be a few strands of my old identity holding on, but I trust that those will soon be gone too!
God also spoke to me that I've been wearing the wrong armor. Much like when David wore Saul's armor. He couldn't move in it, couldn't fight in it, couldn't do anything in it. But once he took off the ill-fitted armor and put on the name of the Lord he could strike down any giant. I think this goes hand in hand with walking in the wrong identity!
WOW...I think this has been one of God's "suddenly"'s!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
WOW :D
Wow...God is doing a work...and it's totally caught me off guard. It's so true that God's a gentleman and He doesn't rush us into what He has for us. He's so often the God that Ed's been portraying through this "consider the lilies" walk. He has the gifts and blessings we need we just need to ask for them.
In the past two weeks God has really shown me that my identity is false. This identity that I've walked in for almost 27 years is partly me, but a lot of what the world has told me I am, or what I've become out of necessity to survive. But that's not who I am called to be, nor is it me living an abundant life. So, that's a bit shocking and a bit of a blow you might say, but the Lord has ways of saying what you need to hear in a way that you can accept it. As harsh as it sounds, it was what I've heard from Him for a long time. Deep in my heart, but this time, my mind finally caught on. And something clicked.
Now I can honestly say this is something the Lord has "brought about", as I have not put any effort into praying about it to a large degree, I've been more aware of it. I've been trying to examine areas to see if that part of my identity lines up with the Word of God. If it doesn't then it's not MY identity.
Let me tell you, my life has changed so much these past two weeks. And not on the outside or in the physical, but I feel brand new on the inside. I feel stronger, more secure, more accepting of myself, and less aware of people's opinions of me, which if you know me well enough you know that this is beyond amazing for me!
I know it's a process and there's a lot to work on, but I am so excited that the struggles I've had for so long seem to just be melting right away!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In Beatrice news...
I've learned a lot from that little plant as of late. Unfortunately Beatrice almost died in the process of me learning. The day after Ed told us we were no longer doing our walks with our plants I was very dishearted. SO, I left Beatrice in my car. Now mind you my husband had left Gary in the trunk of the car on numerous occasions and to this day he is very green and lively, so I thought she'd be okay. BOY WAS I WRONG!
The poor thing wilted so badly I thought she was dead. She was depleted of any and all moisture. When I saw her I just cried. She looked terrible.
Again, out of this despair God spoke to me. "Nickel, this is what you do with people". Wow, now that's a blow to the gut, but so very true. When people hurt me, or my heart hurts because of them I push them away so I don't have to deal with it. But in the end I have to deal with the injury to the relationship.
_______________________________________________
So needless to say I was ashamed to bring Beatrice to the prayer center because of how badly she looked. I felt like such a failure. Then I trimmed her way down, she only has two leaves now, but I had to cut off all the dead stuff. Then when Friday rolled back around and it was time to head back to the prayer center God told me to be proud of her, not to be ashamed of her. She is an extension of me. And just like I've been through a lot of abuse and drought, God's trimming me down to grow me the way I should be grown.
That's something that God showed me the other day in the prayer room. All the potential for me to be what I need to be is within me, He's already put it there. It's like a seed. It's encased in a shell full of nutrients and it has the makeup of everything that seed could ever be. It's covered by soil, which in essence is dead, decaying compost. The seed can choose to forever stay a seed, and stay in it's comfy soil home. But the seed will never reach it's full potential, and eventually it will die. But the seed that longs to be it's full potential will push through the soil (all the dead stuff) and grow toward the light.
This is the process that God's got me in right now, and I am so thankful that He is so faithful! :D
In the past two weeks God has really shown me that my identity is false. This identity that I've walked in for almost 27 years is partly me, but a lot of what the world has told me I am, or what I've become out of necessity to survive. But that's not who I am called to be, nor is it me living an abundant life. So, that's a bit shocking and a bit of a blow you might say, but the Lord has ways of saying what you need to hear in a way that you can accept it. As harsh as it sounds, it was what I've heard from Him for a long time. Deep in my heart, but this time, my mind finally caught on. And something clicked.
Now I can honestly say this is something the Lord has "brought about", as I have not put any effort into praying about it to a large degree, I've been more aware of it. I've been trying to examine areas to see if that part of my identity lines up with the Word of God. If it doesn't then it's not MY identity.
Let me tell you, my life has changed so much these past two weeks. And not on the outside or in the physical, but I feel brand new on the inside. I feel stronger, more secure, more accepting of myself, and less aware of people's opinions of me, which if you know me well enough you know that this is beyond amazing for me!
I know it's a process and there's a lot to work on, but I am so excited that the struggles I've had for so long seem to just be melting right away!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In Beatrice news...
I've learned a lot from that little plant as of late. Unfortunately Beatrice almost died in the process of me learning. The day after Ed told us we were no longer doing our walks with our plants I was very dishearted. SO, I left Beatrice in my car. Now mind you my husband had left Gary in the trunk of the car on numerous occasions and to this day he is very green and lively, so I thought she'd be okay. BOY WAS I WRONG!
The poor thing wilted so badly I thought she was dead. She was depleted of any and all moisture. When I saw her I just cried. She looked terrible.
Again, out of this despair God spoke to me. "Nickel, this is what you do with people". Wow, now that's a blow to the gut, but so very true. When people hurt me, or my heart hurts because of them I push them away so I don't have to deal with it. But in the end I have to deal with the injury to the relationship.
_______________________________________________
So needless to say I was ashamed to bring Beatrice to the prayer center because of how badly she looked. I felt like such a failure. Then I trimmed her way down, she only has two leaves now, but I had to cut off all the dead stuff. Then when Friday rolled back around and it was time to head back to the prayer center God told me to be proud of her, not to be ashamed of her. She is an extension of me. And just like I've been through a lot of abuse and drought, God's trimming me down to grow me the way I should be grown.
That's something that God showed me the other day in the prayer room. All the potential for me to be what I need to be is within me, He's already put it there. It's like a seed. It's encased in a shell full of nutrients and it has the makeup of everything that seed could ever be. It's covered by soil, which in essence is dead, decaying compost. The seed can choose to forever stay a seed, and stay in it's comfy soil home. But the seed will never reach it's full potential, and eventually it will die. But the seed that longs to be it's full potential will push through the soil (all the dead stuff) and grow toward the light.
This is the process that God's got me in right now, and I am so thankful that He is so faithful! :D
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