Wow, it's been far too long since I've been on here. It's been a crazy ride since September. I found out I was pregnant October 12th, and since then my world's been a bit of a whirlwind. Funny thing is God still has me on the same subject. I HAVE to talk to my dad, I have to clear up how I'm feeling on the inside about him and about us. I know it's important to mend or at least allow myself to heal in this area. This is a short blog, I know, but this is where I'm at at the moment. A little shocked that I'm still dealing with this, but I must make ammends if not for my father, for me.

Dear Dad,

This is very hard for me to say, partly because I don't want to disappoint you, and partly because I do not want to hurt you. It's also because of these reasons that I haven't brought these feelings to your attention previously. When I was little, I felt so proud to be your daughter. My dad was the cool dad that everyone knew. He was the hardworking dad that worked very hard to provide us with a loving home, and with lots of good things. He was the dad that was corny and always made me laugh at his goofy jokes, which by the way I am also extremely corny myself!

You are still all these things to me. But about 15 years ago, when you and mom divorced, it seems like everything changed. I don't blame you and I don't blame mom. I know marriage takes equal effort. I have forgiven both you and mom for your actions during the divorce because I know you were both coming from a place of deep hurt. I'm saying all this to let you know that the past is the past and I don't count any of it against you.

I do think though, that at that time our relationship drastically changed. I think because we were all dealing with such a deep hurt, and none of us really knew how to process it. You were dealing with your's, mom was dealing with her's and we kids were dealing with our's. None of us was strong enough to help the others. I feel like at that time you had so much pain and disappointment that you drew way back, and when I went to live with mom you really withdrew your relationship with me. We didn't talk for 3 years, and at that time I felt very rejected by you. I know that I didn't leave on the best terms, and I'm sure that I did and said hurtful things, but I was the child in the situation. I never expected that that would be the end of our relationship. It wasn't until 3 years later when I approached you that things between us actually started to heal. I felt so rejected by you and the entire Gorman side. For three years I never saw a Christmas card, or received a call on my birthday, and for a 14 year old that's a blow to the heart. I didn't leave because I didn't love you, I left because I had to take care of myself, and I felt that mom's was a better place for me to do that at the time.

Now please keep in mind I'm not telling you all this to hurt you. I just feel that our relationship can't grow until I get some of this off my chest. Honestly, I miss my Daddy. I miss the relationship we did have when I was a kid. I want you to be involved in my life. I don't like having a call with you every couple of weeks, just to see how you're doing, I want you to be involved in my life, and in your grandchild's life.