Sunday, July 10, 2016
Sorry, not sorry.
If you've known me for any length of time, I'm sure you've heard these two words from me: "I'm sorry.".
It's almost a compulsive thing for me. "I'm sorry I'm awkward.". "I'm sorry I talk too fast when I'm excited.". "I'm sorry I'm standing slightly in your way even though you clearly don't mind.".
Today I attended a dance class with several people from my church. I've always felt I was born with three left feet, but I've ALWAYS loved to watch others worship God through dance, and have secretly wanted to do so myself. Recently God's told me I'm supposed to be dancing for Him with my church. Out of sheer obedience I've been doing it, but it's been a painful flogging of my pride. I mess up constantly. I go right when everyone goes left. I awkwardly laugh at myself. It's pitiful. This is one of those arenas I've found myself apologizing in lately. Nonetheless, I know it's what God wants me to do, so I know He's got a reason. I really don't think it's so I can be a laughing stock either.
I arrived a few minutes late, and as is my custom, I awkwardly apologized over and over, then I apologized for apologizing, and then I apologized for apologizing for apologizing...you get the point. I'm in a room full of incredibly loving, accepting people, who are of a wide range of experience with dancing. We begin to follow direction and I'm messing up left and right, but I'm also getting a step here or there correct. I'm ready to crawl out of my skin. By the third song I'm somehow getting a lot of the steps right! What is happening here? This is incredible! It felt so exhilarating to be actually doing a decent job at this thing. As we are dancing I hear myself audibly apologizing for messing up, and in a moment of clarity I see that NO ONE is reacting to my apology, nor did they really even notice. So who am I apologizing to, and for what? We were all learning, together. We were all making mistakes, even our teacher Terri. So why did I feel this NEED to apologize for what, at the moment, was a NORMAL occurrence?
God showed me two things today:
1) I apologize for the things that make me, me, therefore I'm apologizing for what HE CREATED. I'm saying that what He has created in me is not good enough. My personality, my quirks, my strengths are all created by Him for a purpose. How can I be used by Him for the purposes He has for me if I'm constantly bashing and dismissing myself as not good enough, unworthy to be used. I have to let go of this fear of being less in other's eyes. I've never felt good enough for anything in my life. Not a good enough daughter. Not a good enough wife. Not a good enough mother. Not a good enough friend. BUT I AM GOOD ENOUGH. In fact I'm the most perfect NICKEL there could ever be, because HE lined up the path my life will take, and HE destined my life to be used in very specific ways. I am the best wife for my husband, the best mother to my children, and the best me to me. BUT I cannot perform any of these roles if I'm in denial and shaming myself. I CAN do great things, and I WILL do great things, because HE has equipped me to do so!
And 2) Man have I been missing out on some amazing things in this life simply because I've been labeling myself a failure before I've even given myself the chance to try. I've been so afraid of failing that I haven't even pushed myself to do the things that my heart SO longs to do. I intend to change that!
So for now on I will only apologize for those things I should really be sorry for.
Sorry, not sorry.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Cold...
And many false prophets will rise up and deceive and lead many into error. And the love of [a]the great body of people will grow cold because of the multiplied lawlessness and iniquity, But he who endures to the end will be saved.
Matthew 24:11-13
Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face, but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul.
There was once a time when I could just close my eyes and feel God's embrace. It was second nature to me, who I was built to be. My heart is grieved because I have found myself in the place of numbness with
Matthew 24:11-13
Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face, but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul.
There was once a time when I could just close my eyes and feel God's embrace. It was second nature to me, who I was built to be. My heart is grieved because I have found myself in the place of numbness with
Matthew 24:11-13
And many false prophets will rise up and deceive and lead many into error. And the love of [a]the great body of people will grow cold because of the multiplied lawlessness and iniquity, But he who endures to the end will be saved.
Matthew 24:11-13
Matthew 24:11-13
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I will show you...
Genesis 12
(Vs 1-3) Now the Lord had said to Abram: "Get out from your country, and from your father's house, to a land that I will show you. I will make you a great nation; I will bless you and make your name great; and you shall be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and I will curse him who curses you; and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed."
In the seasons where God has called us to be apart from our normality, or from the usual, or from the circumstances we may have lived in for many years, how often does He say "I will show you..."? I know in my life I've had many an instance where this has been the case. For the most part, it's been pretty easy for me to trust His leading, and then again there have been those times that it was difficult to walk by faith. Just like every other human being on the face of the planet, there's still that child like whine of, "But where are we going? Are we there yet?".
(Vs 4-9) So Abram departed as the LORD had spoken to him, and Lot went with him. And Abram was seventy-five years old when he departed from Haran. Then Abram took Sarai his wife and Lot his brother’s son, and all their possessions that they had gathered, and the people whom they had acquired in Haran, and they departed to go to the land of Canaan. So they came to the land of Canaan. Abram passed through the land to the place of Shechem, as far as the terebinth tree of Moreh. And the Canaanites were then in the land. Then the LORD appeared to Abram and said, “To your descendants I will give this land.” And there he built an altar to the LORD, who had appeared to him. And he moved from there to the mountain east of Bethel, and he pitched his tent with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east; there he built an altar to the LORD and called on the name of the LORD. So Abram journeyed, going on still toward the South.
This portion of the chapter really stuck out to me. God leads Abram to the promised land, to the land He said "I will show you...". Abram was thankful that this land would be given to his descendants and built an altar, but then it says, "And he moved from there to the mountains east of Bethel", where he again built an altar to praise the Lord. My question is did God lead him away from that land? Or did he assume it was ONLY for his future descendants? Was he in disobedience in leaving the land God had directed him to? From this point on it doesn't say that God was leading him, just simply that he moved on.
(Chapter 12 vs 10-20, Chapter 13 vs 1-18) Reading on, it shows that Abram eventually made his way to Egypt, where he lied about Sarai being his wife to protect himself. Here is a man that walked with God, that was called a friend of God, and had been led by God to a land promised to he and his descendants, and yet he feared for his life. Why? Was he out of God's will by continuing on into Egypt? He went to Egypt because of famine in the land, but if this God who just led him through wilderness to a land flowing with milk and honey, wouldn't that same God also provide for him in the famine? Does our fear of what circumstances may look like lead us to leave our promise and to wander into the clutches of Egypt? Little did Abram know that Egypt would eventually turn his descendants into slaves and crush them underfoot. Pharaoh kicked them out of Egypt because Abram's sin of concealing his marriage with Sarai was bringing curses onto him.
(Vs 1-3) Now the Lord had said to Abram: "Get out from your country, and from your father's house, to a land that I will show you. I will make you a great nation; I will bless you and make your name great; and you shall be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and I will curse him who curses you; and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed."
In the seasons where God has called us to be apart from our normality, or from the usual, or from the circumstances we may have lived in for many years, how often does He say "I will show you..."? I know in my life I've had many an instance where this has been the case. For the most part, it's been pretty easy for me to trust His leading, and then again there have been those times that it was difficult to walk by faith. Just like every other human being on the face of the planet, there's still that child like whine of, "But where are we going? Are we there yet?".
(Vs 4-9) So Abram departed as the LORD had spoken to him, and Lot went with him. And Abram was seventy-five years old when he departed from Haran. Then Abram took Sarai his wife and Lot his brother’s son, and all their possessions that they had gathered, and the people whom they had acquired in Haran, and they departed to go to the land of Canaan. So they came to the land of Canaan. Abram passed through the land to the place of Shechem, as far as the terebinth tree of Moreh. And the Canaanites were then in the land. Then the LORD appeared to Abram and said, “To your descendants I will give this land.” And there he built an altar to the LORD, who had appeared to him. And he moved from there to the mountain east of Bethel, and he pitched his tent with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east; there he built an altar to the LORD and called on the name of the LORD. So Abram journeyed, going on still toward the South.
This portion of the chapter really stuck out to me. God leads Abram to the promised land, to the land He said "I will show you...". Abram was thankful that this land would be given to his descendants and built an altar, but then it says, "And he moved from there to the mountains east of Bethel", where he again built an altar to praise the Lord. My question is did God lead him away from that land? Or did he assume it was ONLY for his future descendants? Was he in disobedience in leaving the land God had directed him to? From this point on it doesn't say that God was leading him, just simply that he moved on.
(Chapter 12 vs 10-20, Chapter 13 vs 1-18) Reading on, it shows that Abram eventually made his way to Egypt, where he lied about Sarai being his wife to protect himself. Here is a man that walked with God, that was called a friend of God, and had been led by God to a land promised to he and his descendants, and yet he feared for his life. Why? Was he out of God's will by continuing on into Egypt? He went to Egypt because of famine in the land, but if this God who just led him through wilderness to a land flowing with milk and honey, wouldn't that same God also provide for him in the famine? Does our fear of what circumstances may look like lead us to leave our promise and to wander into the clutches of Egypt? Little did Abram know that Egypt would eventually turn his descendants into slaves and crush them underfoot. Pharaoh kicked them out of Egypt because Abram's sin of concealing his marriage with Sarai was bringing curses onto him.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wow, it's been far too long since I've been on here. It's been a crazy ride since September. I found out I was pregnant October 12th, and since then my world's been a bit of a whirlwind. Funny thing is God still has me on the same subject. I HAVE to talk to my dad, I have to clear up how I'm feeling on the inside about him and about us. I know it's important to mend or at least allow myself to heal in this area. This is a short blog, I know, but this is where I'm at at the moment. A little shocked that I'm still dealing with this, but I must make ammends if not for my father, for me.
Dear Dad,
This is very hard for me to say, partly because I don't want to disappoint you, and partly because I do not want to hurt you. It's also because of these reasons that I haven't brought these feelings to your attention previously. When I was little, I felt so proud to be your daughter. My dad was the cool dad that everyone knew. He was the hardworking dad that worked very hard to provide us with a loving home, and with lots of good things. He was the dad that was corny and always made me laugh at his goofy jokes, which by the way I am also extremely corny myself!
You are still all these things to me. But about 15 years ago, when you and mom divorced, it seems like everything changed. I don't blame you and I don't blame mom. I know marriage takes equal effort. I have forgiven both you and mom for your actions during the divorce because I know you were both coming from a place of deep hurt. I'm saying all this to let you know that the past is the past and I don't count any of it against you.
I do think though, that at that time our relationship drastically changed. I think because we were all dealing with such a deep hurt, and none of us really knew how to process it. You were dealing with your's, mom was dealing with her's and we kids were dealing with our's. None of us was strong enough to help the others. I feel like at that time you had so much pain and disappointment that you drew way back, and when I went to live with mom you really withdrew your relationship with me. We didn't talk for 3 years, and at that time I felt very rejected by you. I know that I didn't leave on the best terms, and I'm sure that I did and said hurtful things, but I was the child in the situation. I never expected that that would be the end of our relationship. It wasn't until 3 years later when I approached you that things between us actually started to heal. I felt so rejected by you and the entire Gorman side. For three years I never saw a Christmas card, or received a call on my birthday, and for a 14 year old that's a blow to the heart. I didn't leave because I didn't love you, I left because I had to take care of myself, and I felt that mom's was a better place for me to do that at the time.
Now please keep in mind I'm not telling you all this to hurt you. I just feel that our relationship can't grow until I get some of this off my chest. Honestly, I miss my Daddy. I miss the relationship we did have when I was a kid. I want you to be involved in my life. I don't like having a call with you every couple of weeks, just to see how you're doing, I want you to be involved in my life, and in your grandchild's life.
Dear Dad,
This is very hard for me to say, partly because I don't want to disappoint you, and partly because I do not want to hurt you. It's also because of these reasons that I haven't brought these feelings to your attention previously. When I was little, I felt so proud to be your daughter. My dad was the cool dad that everyone knew. He was the hardworking dad that worked very hard to provide us with a loving home, and with lots of good things. He was the dad that was corny and always made me laugh at his goofy jokes, which by the way I am also extremely corny myself!
You are still all these things to me. But about 15 years ago, when you and mom divorced, it seems like everything changed. I don't blame you and I don't blame mom. I know marriage takes equal effort. I have forgiven both you and mom for your actions during the divorce because I know you were both coming from a place of deep hurt. I'm saying all this to let you know that the past is the past and I don't count any of it against you.
I do think though, that at that time our relationship drastically changed. I think because we were all dealing with such a deep hurt, and none of us really knew how to process it. You were dealing with your's, mom was dealing with her's and we kids were dealing with our's. None of us was strong enough to help the others. I feel like at that time you had so much pain and disappointment that you drew way back, and when I went to live with mom you really withdrew your relationship with me. We didn't talk for 3 years, and at that time I felt very rejected by you. I know that I didn't leave on the best terms, and I'm sure that I did and said hurtful things, but I was the child in the situation. I never expected that that would be the end of our relationship. It wasn't until 3 years later when I approached you that things between us actually started to heal. I felt so rejected by you and the entire Gorman side. For three years I never saw a Christmas card, or received a call on my birthday, and for a 14 year old that's a blow to the heart. I didn't leave because I didn't love you, I left because I had to take care of myself, and I felt that mom's was a better place for me to do that at the time.
Now please keep in mind I'm not telling you all this to hurt you. I just feel that our relationship can't grow until I get some of this off my chest. Honestly, I miss my Daddy. I miss the relationship we did have when I was a kid. I want you to be involved in my life. I don't like having a call with you every couple of weeks, just to see how you're doing, I want you to be involved in my life, and in your grandchild's life.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Scars
I carry so much shame,
Stains and scars from a life without You.
I've been a fool to play such a game.
Sometimes it's so hard to break through.
I have scars on my flesh,
That will not erase.
Scars put there by my own two hands.
Scars of physical pain.
Constant reminders of sin and despair,
Echoing our accusations of worthlessness.
Who will love me?
Who will put up with this disgusting state of ill-repair?
Jesus is there someone who'll understand?
Someone who will love me for me?
Who will look past my deep, deep scars
And see my inner beauty?
No one knows my darkest secret.
The thing hidden beneath layers.
Something I really do regret,
But has no remedy in prayers.
If I would've known
The cost for my actions.
If I would've been shown,
Things would be so different.
It makes me so deeply mad,
To know that I've been robbed,
By the thief of all thieves.
I think that's the worst part of all.
If I'd only known.
=======================================================
And again a letter I wrote after this poem:
Jesus,
This poem is full of pain and agony. I think it's really a lot like someone who does drugs and such and later realizes that they've fried their liver. Or someone who relaxes and enjoys something fun and seemingly harmless only to realize down the road that they cut a part of themselves away and sold it. Truly sad. But one question I didn't ask in this poem was, "What can I do now?" Is there anything that can undo what has been done? Not really, what is done is done. It hurts deeply obviously but what can I do? Nothing can erase the scars of what's been done. All I can do is swallow my pain...no wait I have a better idea...why don't I give it all to You? You bought it anyways...when You bought me it was part of the deal. I trust You Lord. Regardless if I ever get married, have kids, whatever. I'm in Your ever-loving arms. That's my only hope. Truly my only hope! You have healed and cleansed me, I am not what I once was. Though in the flesh my scars remain, in this spirit all things are new! In Your sweet, holy blood I am made pure and as new. I trust You. I love You. I will not believe any other! You are my hope!
=============================================================
This poem was about physical scars I had on my body from cutting myself with razor blades. It was bad enough that they were there, but most of them were satanic symbols carved deep in my body. They are still there to this day, but praise God they have faded a lot! I hardly notice them anymore. Only in certain lights. He is a God of restoration! Praise Him! :)
Stains and scars from a life without You.
I've been a fool to play such a game.
Sometimes it's so hard to break through.
I have scars on my flesh,
That will not erase.
Scars put there by my own two hands.
Scars of physical pain.
Constant reminders of sin and despair,
Echoing our accusations of worthlessness.
Who will love me?
Who will put up with this disgusting state of ill-repair?
Jesus is there someone who'll understand?
Someone who will love me for me?
Who will look past my deep, deep scars
And see my inner beauty?
No one knows my darkest secret.
The thing hidden beneath layers.
Something I really do regret,
But has no remedy in prayers.
If I would've known
The cost for my actions.
If I would've been shown,
Things would be so different.
It makes me so deeply mad,
To know that I've been robbed,
By the thief of all thieves.
I think that's the worst part of all.
If I'd only known.
=======================================================
And again a letter I wrote after this poem:
Jesus,
This poem is full of pain and agony. I think it's really a lot like someone who does drugs and such and later realizes that they've fried their liver. Or someone who relaxes and enjoys something fun and seemingly harmless only to realize down the road that they cut a part of themselves away and sold it. Truly sad. But one question I didn't ask in this poem was, "What can I do now?" Is there anything that can undo what has been done? Not really, what is done is done. It hurts deeply obviously but what can I do? Nothing can erase the scars of what's been done. All I can do is swallow my pain...no wait I have a better idea...why don't I give it all to You? You bought it anyways...when You bought me it was part of the deal. I trust You Lord. Regardless if I ever get married, have kids, whatever. I'm in Your ever-loving arms. That's my only hope. Truly my only hope! You have healed and cleansed me, I am not what I once was. Though in the flesh my scars remain, in this spirit all things are new! In Your sweet, holy blood I am made pure and as new. I trust You. I love You. I will not believe any other! You are my hope!
=============================================================
This poem was about physical scars I had on my body from cutting myself with razor blades. It was bad enough that they were there, but most of them were satanic symbols carved deep in my body. They are still there to this day, but praise God they have faded a lot! I hardly notice them anymore. Only in certain lights. He is a God of restoration! Praise Him! :)
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