Sorry, not sorry.

If you've known me for any length of time, I'm sure you've heard these two words from me: "I'm sorry.". It's almost a compulsive thing for me. "I'm sorry I'm awkward.". "I'm sorry I talk too fast when I'm excited.". "I'm sorry I'm standing slightly in your way even though you clearly don't mind.". Today I attended a dance class with several people from my church. I've always felt I was born with three left feet, but I've ALWAYS loved to watch others worship God through dance, and have secretly wanted to do so myself. Recently God's told me I'm supposed to be dancing for Him with my church. Out of sheer obedience I've been doing it, but it's been a painful flogging of my pride. I mess up constantly. I go right when everyone goes left. I awkwardly laugh at myself. It's pitiful. This is one of those arenas I've found myself apologizing in lately. Nonetheless, I know it's what God wants me to do, so I know He's got a reason. I really don't think it's so I can be a laughing stock either. I arrived a few minutes late, and as is my custom, I awkwardly apologized over and over, then I apologized for apologizing, and then I apologized for apologizing for apologizing...you get the point. I'm in a room full of incredibly loving, accepting people, who are of a wide range of experience with dancing. We begin to follow direction and I'm messing up left and right, but I'm also getting a step here or there correct. I'm ready to crawl out of my skin. By the third song I'm somehow getting a lot of the steps right! What is happening here? This is incredible! It felt so exhilarating to be actually doing a decent job at this thing. As we are dancing I hear myself audibly apologizing for messing up, and in a moment of clarity I see that NO ONE is reacting to my apology, nor did they really even notice. So who am I apologizing to, and for what? We were all learning, together. We were all making mistakes, even our teacher Terri. So why did I feel this NEED to apologize for what, at the moment, was a NORMAL occurrence? God showed me two things today: 1) I apologize for the things that make me, me, therefore I'm apologizing for what HE CREATED. I'm saying that what He has created in me is not good enough. My personality, my quirks, my strengths are all created by Him for a purpose. How can I be used by Him for the purposes He has for me if I'm constantly bashing and dismissing myself as not good enough, unworthy to be used. I have to let go of this fear of being less in other's eyes. I've never felt good enough for anything in my life. Not a good enough daughter. Not a good enough wife. Not a good enough mother. Not a good enough friend. BUT I AM GOOD ENOUGH. In fact I'm the most perfect NICKEL there could ever be, because HE lined up the path my life will take, and HE destined my life to be used in very specific ways. I am the best wife for my husband, the best mother to my children, and the best me to me. BUT I cannot perform any of these roles if I'm in denial and shaming myself. I CAN do great things, and I WILL do great things, because HE has equipped me to do so! And 2) Man have I been missing out on some amazing things in this life simply because I've been labeling myself a failure before I've even given myself the chance to try. I've been so afraid of failing that I haven't even pushed myself to do the things that my heart SO longs to do. I intend to change that! So for now on I will only apologize for those things I should really be sorry for. Sorry, not sorry.